In difficult or complex situations I've always seemed to be able to express my inner monologue best through the written word.  Right now, even though emotions are still raw I'm going to try and transcribe my feelings.  

Today has been a long day for many reasons.  
The first day back at University.
A meeting with an oral surgeon.
But mainly because my grandmother, Dorothy (or Bouy), passed away earlier today.  

I've had to now deal with this type of Grief on two occasions and it is still one of the most complex and hard to process feelings I've encountered.  Facing the concrete truth that one day this person, this consciousness, is here and the next day it is not is a very hard concept to wrap my mind around.  I mean yes, logically I understand the idea of death but at its fundamental core when one is faced with it there is no true appropriate reaction.  We accept death as a reality but there is no way to properly describe the hole that is left when it happens.  The emptiness that occurs when you understand that there is no talking to this person again, no laughing or joking.  Just emptiness.

I had the privilege of knowing my grandmother very well so instead of mourning her passing I would like to reflect on some of my fondest memories with her.

Firstly I would like to thank her for, all those years ago, paying for me to go to Idyllwild.  I don't really think she truly understood how fundamental that was to my personal growth.  The opportunities and people I encountered because of my time there contributed deeply to who I am today.  How, over the course of two years I grew into myself and none of that would've happened without her unconditional support.

How, as a sixteen year old being on the phone and having her straight up ask me how "the gay thing is going."  Being so accepting and open to a timid, unsure teenager.  For most of my coming out experience she was the only family member who unconditionally accepted and supported me during that emotionally turbulent time.  

I remember when I was in my first year in Montreal I received a unexpected email from her containing plane tickets to Orlando where her, my cousin and I were going to a private meet and greet with John Barrowman.  Having flown us down to Florida she proceeded to spoil us rotten that weekend with not only getting to meet John but also exploring the Mega-con exhibition hall.  

My grandmother never acted her age, always encouraged me to reach higher, work harder and laugh louder.  She was a reckless optimist in the best way possible indulging me and spoiling me but also being there when I needed a person to talk to.  She was the kind of person who wouldn't want us to be sad, or make a fuss but to remember her in her best light.  As the spunky, quick witted, energetic person she has always been.  

To end I'm going to include this quote from Harry Potter and the Cursed Child because I believe it is very poignant.   

"Harry, there is never a perfect answer in this messy, emotional world.  Perfection is beyond the reach of humankind, beyond the reach of magic.  In every shining moment of happiness is that drop of poison : the knowledge that pain will come again.  Be honest to those you love, show your pain.  To suffer is as human as to breathe."