So I really have no idea about what exactly I'm writing, I'm more going off of a feeling than actual coherent thought.  I have anxiety spikes from time to time and just a general feeling of existentialism that is probably more than the average person.  Some days are good, while others can drag on a little.  The last few days I've been feeling very unsettled and just generally antsy.  I've been eating as regularly as I can but I've just been feeling slightly off.  A quote I've used while trying to describe this to my therapist is "that it feels like my soul is aching."  A very melodramatic statement but one that for some reason perfectly encapsulates what I'm experiencing right now.  I'm still attempting to come up with a more concrete way of explaining how I'm feeling but for now this will have to do.

I think what I'm saying is that lately I've been completely caught up in a train of thought surrounding relationships.   I don't just mean romantic relationships I mean all of my relationships, wether it be with my good friends or just people I've only met once.  Summer time for me is great because it means time for myself but I've come to realize that If I'm left alone things start to ruminate.  Over the school year I get caught up in the day to day workings of a student but during the summer I seem to be left to fester.  Most of my school friends move back to their respective hometowns and the ones who stay work full time or are more preoccupied with their long-term friends here in the city.
(That wasn't me throwing shade I promise it's more just a statement of fact.)  

When I'm left alone to debate my existence on this world I think it's no surprise that a sense of isolation and emptiness creeps in.  School is a social experience, you make likeminded friends who you bond with over a common goal and when that is taken away at the end of the semester one tends to fall back on things they did outside of school.  Which for me basically means things I did IN school just without the deadline.

I guess what I'm saying is that I may have used my more recent relationship to cover up or distract from the fact that I as a human don't entirely know my place.  For me the distraction of social engagement will always be more appealing than spending time alone due to my mind being (for the most part) an existential pit.  

I guess, as I write this, I'm realizing that right now my biggest flaw is not knowing myself.  Not knowing what I like and don't like, what activities I find engaging and how I can relish in the time of individual growth.  I have been (and continue to be) a extraverted, social creature from very early on in my childhood development and so putting me in a space (and giving me a extended length of time) to just be on my own brings stagnation if not handled correctly.  

In summary to this random brain rant I will live a small quote from a discussion I had with someone who's opinion I greatly value.  When asked about why I may be feeling this way they wrote 

"I think you have always wanted the world to go faster than it does and the mundane details that make up most of humans daily existence used to be torture for you. I see you learning to take pleasure in little things at this time of your life. With the appreciation of the little things we can also feel the delicate loss of them when they're gone."  

This loss they describe is perhaps what sparked me to make this post and what has made me reflect on my place in this chaotic, unruly and incredible world.

(I would like to give credit to whoever made this picture but I found it on Tumblr like a year ago so idk I'm sorry <3 )