In my friend group whenever the subject of dating comes up, the conversation shortly thereafter turns to which apps people use. As a vast majority of my friends are gay men that boils down to trading Grindr experiences.
Having come back to my home town for the holiday season I re-downloaded Grindr. 90% for the simple curiosity to see who / what's changed and 10% to try my luck.

As I think most gay men do, I go through phases of getting Grindr and then deleting it just to go on and re-download it again. If I'm being honest this loop usually corresponds to the ebb and flow of my sex drive but recently it got me thinking about a possibly deeper reason for this self-perpetuating cycle.

For some context let me go on a brief anecdote. I was at brunch today with a friend who works as a therapist. I always deeply enjoy our conversations which, despite her profession, I try to balance the subject matter between the two of us as to not turn it into "completely selfish Graeme therapy time." Anyway we were talking today about social interactions. I consider us both academics in the area of media and technology the question was brought up of what makes a social-media app successful. As we were talking specifically about dating apps the following is the point I've been ruminating on all day. She posed the question that what defines a social app's success is that it does not replace human interaction but compliments it. I believe this is true for most social media however when it comes to dating apps I feel this is extremely true. It may seem like a slightly obvious statement but hear me out.

Me and some friends at G.A.Y Heaven in London, UK

I consider myself to be a part of queer club life. Most of my friends are drag queens and those who aren't go out to bars to support the ones who are. As much as my school schedule allows I enjoy going out to The Junction in Vancouver and having a fun night with friends. I also don't think it was chance that when I moved to Cardiff on my exchange most of the friends I made were apart of the queer club scene. (I have a point I promise) I've also met my fair share of guys on nights out and have had no problem judging dynamics and interest.

What I think is lost then when you attempt to translate this in-person (in this case club) interaction to an app are all of the subtle social cues. Grindr in it's own way is a roll of the dice on wether you'll have chemistry (sexual or otherwise) with the guy you're talking to or even just if he'll look anything like the photos he's sent you. When you remove social cues and simple body language from the equation and just boil the interaction down to swapping text messages who really knows what will come of it. Unlike simply being able to walk away from someone at a club inviting the person into your home or vice versa has awkward implications if it turns out you really don't like them and want to remove yourself from that situation. This is I guess the (hopefully not) eternal struggle for us gays. By definition being gay means fewer dating opportunities and if you factor in that a lot of the time we feel unsafe in most straight spaces trying to meet prospective romantic / sexual partners is hard. I totally understand why Grindr and other apps like it exist, I just don't think it's entirely for me. I also just have reservations about putting myself into such a hyper sexualized online environment when I know I prefer the seemingly more "traditional" route of meeting someone at a club.

Classic drunk selfie at AlterEgo, a gay club in Budapest

Please don't misunderstand, I am not condemning the use of Grindr. I have met several close friends off the app. I understand that finding a safe queer space is hard and not everyone likes the club life. This is a problem that as a gay community we need to address. We need more non-sexualized queer safe spaces for people to just hangout and socialize (without the expectation of sex).

Anyway this is honestly just my own thoughts on Grindr / apps like it but I'd love to hear what you have to say. Leave it in the comments below :)

- G

Thoughts About Grindr - The Social Connections of the Queer Community