The Shadow Hanging Over Me - How It Comes and Goes

In all honesty I use this platform to document moments of my life that I am then able to look back and reflect on.  Like little photographs into my life and where I was at this specific moment and what I was doing and feeling.

So you may know this about me or you may not but I suffer from high anxiety and depressive episodes.  These episodes come in many shapes and forms, some last for a few hours others last for a few weeks.  I've come to understand that my anxiety usually has specific triggers which I've taught myself to either handle or avoid but the depression is a trickier thing to grasp.  

It wasn't until a few days ago, when I sent a message to my therapist, that I realized I'm going through (or was going through) a depressive episode.  Like I said usually something triggers me into a downward spiral but nothing substantial had happened.  I'd just noticed that over the past three or so weeks I'd been getting really down on myself.  I was comparing my performance as a human being to those around me (and those I see on the internet) and I always came up lacking in some capacity.  

Wether it be I don't have -insert skill here- that another person has or someone is more financially or personally successful than me I just got really down on myself.  
This depression was more robotic in nature.  I have my daily / weekly routine.  I wakeup, make myself breakfast (or not) go to class, come back from class, attempt to do work, sleep, repeat.  
This time it was more subtle in its nature.  
I think the best thing I'm able to compare it to is being a puppet, or a piece of clockwork.  Wound-up or controlled and set loose to go about the business that "real Graeme" does without getting any joy or fulfilment.  

It was then, when I consciously came to this realization that I made a phone call or two and set up a appointment with my therapist.  I would like to take the liberty in saying that I'm a fairly intelligent guy who's gone through enough mental health issues to have a pretty decent grasp on causes and effects.  I understood enough to realize that I ticked several boxes in the depression column so I reached out for help.  However, I by know means condone full self diagnosis.  If you are having any sort of mental health struggle please, please consult a professional who has been educated to guide you through this time in your life.  Don't leave it to your own thoughts and the internet.
Seek help.

Anyway the entire point of this blog post is basically to say that, although I am not completely myself, I am back more to the Graeme I know rather than the puppet of the last three weeks.  There could be many reasons for this sudden switch in my brain.  I think for me though, what helped was reaching out for help and going to the gym.
(I know it sounds funny but working out, even though I by no means am a body builder, has always helped me cope with things.)  

I would like to emphasize that these (this blog) are just my own personal experiences.  I try not to compare myself to others (although as this post highlights I fail miserably at that) but in the case of personal experience I can only comment on my own.  I have been blessed with an amazing life.  Friends and family who support me.  

I'm probably going to make a part two to this post because I'm running super late and need to get to class but I just wanted to document my thought process right now in the hopes of when I look back and reflect I can remind myself of this moment.  These feelings and these thoughts.  

G-