When You Hit The Wall

There are moments in life when, after a long day, you sit yourself down to simply think and reflect.
Today has been one of those days.
For those of you who don’t know, one of my good friends committed suicide three weeks ago and today was his funeral.
I would first like to send my thanks to his family for extending the invitation to his friends within the Cardiff University Pride society. To include the community he was so a part of was thoughtful and kind. Secondly, to the pastor who presided over the service, it was beautiful and very true to his character. I will never be able to listen to “This Is Me” without remembering this day and him.
Today was a day of both extreme grief and unconditional support. Just seeing how many people turned up to attend this service shows the amount of compassion and love there is within the Cardiff community.

When death happens, especially to someone I know my brain goes into overdrive; attempting to come up with an explanation of what’s happened and where this person is. Yes, on the one hand I do fundamentally understand that this person is gone; however the emotional, complex side of my mind keeps wanting to double check. It’s like a record that keeps jumping to the same spot. My mind keeps reaching out because obviously this person is still there, still just a text message away…
The obvious reality is this person is simply gone. There is a dissonance then, a clash of ideas in my mind. On one side there is this person that I have got so used to talking to; someone I text and see out at bars and school. But on the other the grim reality that I won’t ever be able to talk to this person again.
Because there is hardly anything in our world that is as black and white as death my brain inherently shy’s away from the intrinsic harsh reality. I can only bare to acknowledge it in short doses before I get overwhelmed. Before my brain hits a wall, creates an impasse, says no more.

In summary then, I hit that wall today….
Before I get a bunch of worried messages don’t worry I am 100% ok, but simply put I’m completely emotionally drained and exhausted. For those of you who know me you know that this rarely ever happens to the extent that I’ve just spent the last five hours lying on my bed staring into space. Trying not to think or move or do much of anything really.

I know, eventually, within the following days, weeks and months I’ll be alright. I’ve developed enough emotional intelligence and coping mechanisms to understand that I’ll be able to push through this grief. Living with it, in the moment though is never fun nor easy. It is however an unavoidable part of our human condition.